Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Life Moves On….

Well hello everyone!  It has been a while since I have done a blog because as with everyone in the world, life happens, which is one of my favorite things to say when someone complains about something.  It is flat out the truth, no doubt about it.  Everyone deals with things in their own way.  For me it takes me a lot of time to process things, really for it to sink in when there is a change in my life, especially if it is a big change.   There have been a LOT of big changes in my life lately :O)

I am not someone who likes change at all and the thought of not being in control or worse yet, having someone else take control away from me is not pleasant.  The very worst thing though is dealing with things that are so far out of my control and accepting the fact that no matter what, there isn’t anything else I can do to fix a situation.  Sometimes the best way to fix something is to let it go and that is so hard for me to do.  I don’t give up easily.

This journey of self-publishing is so involved that it is hard to believe that I just put out my 14th book!  I am working on another book that is totally different from the erotica that I have out now but getting the time to actually sit down and write it is not the easiest thing to do.

Lots of life changing things going on in my life.  Without going into detail to boor you all to death, I have a special needs child with many issues.  My job is coming to an end.  (More time for writing until I am homeless :O) 

My child has many issues but the most important thing on my mind at the moment is keeping her safe, as well as those around her safe.  She is almost 12 and has severe mental health issues that should not be impacting a child so young.  She also has cerebral palsy and is very violent, was born severely drug affected plus a huge laundry list of other issues and diagnosis.  The bruises that I have along with those who work with her are pretty amazing at times.  I have had her since she was about 14 months old and she is becoming more then even someone with our education in her issues are not able to keep her and others safe anymore.

The state I live in doesn’t offer much help.  It’s amazing how many friends leave or become suddenly unavailable when you have a child that even just someone to talk to about the newest issue would be welcome.  I don’t want validation for what my decisions have to be, but someone to listen to the latest amazing thing would be not only welcome but helpful.  Don’t have to say a dang thing, just listen to what happened now.  It is a lot to ask of someone though, there is always something that shocks me, which quite frankly is NOT easy, but it is hard for someone to understand the extent of damage that is done to this child’s brain.

Family is the same way… oh everyone would love to help if they just knew what to do.  I don’t blame them, honestly I don’t.  Living with this child and her issues for about 10 years as she progressively becomes more violent and unpredictable is hard for me and my grown children.  It is hard to watch and not know what to do, not understand what is really going on with her.  If it wasn’t for my adult daughter co-parenting her with me along with her partner, we would not have made it this far.  She is truly amazing and one of the things I am most proud of in this world. 

So at this point… I am juggling writing for my sanity, because it helps me focus, a volatile child that has voices talking to her and telling her things that I can only imagine.  She is on adult medication, hitting puberty where her issues are all magnified, and likely becoming more impossible to handle which is not even fathomable.  Not being able to work because of this child and her issues, no income coming in, losing my job, but not losing faith that it will all be ok.  It always works out.

I am going through the motions, have found comfort in not only my writing but also the people I have met along the way.  Amazing indie writers that write from their heart, from their imagination and can create worlds that it helps a great deal to escape reality when I can find a spare moment to do so.  

I know what the outcome of my situation is going to be, or rather what it will probably look like.  At this point, I would love to go somewhere, say a cave that has electricity so I can continue writing, have access to submit my books, and not speak to a soul for a good year.  Ok well maybe that wouldn’t work but it is a nice dream :O)

Life does move on… it just may take turns that you have no idea, or desire to go down.  So my updates may come in spurts and flutters but I am moving down the path, continuing to do what I can while keeping a smile on my face as much as humanly possible.  Besides, smiling in spite of conflict always makes people wonder what is wrong with you :O)

Happy Reading Everyone!
Bella Marie

No comments:

Post a Comment