Broken

Well here I am, less time has passed since my last blog posting but still it’s been a few days.  I hope that everyone is doing well.  

I have had the sad duty of watching people break from the first moment the carpet has been ripped away from their feet to land them on their bums in a hard painful crash.  It’s never fun to watch someone break, at least for me.  I know some people get a sick pleasure out of watching others in crippling misery but for me, it affects me on many levels.  

This last month, I watched my sister who has been married for 18 years suddenly tell her husband that she no longer loves him and she was leaving him.  Everyone was shocked especially the husband who had absolutely no clue there was a problem in the first place.  I watched this man, my brother for all intents and purposes break and beg his wife for a second chance.  I watched her turn him down flat and walk away, not caring if the consequences meant that she wouldn’t see her son as much but she felt that she had to do it for whatever reason plagued her.  It wasn’t for me to understand but this kind of thing drives me insane.  

My family is a very strong, albeit strange family.  We have family dinners every Sunday because we are so close.  If we miss a weekend my nieces and nephews struggle to the next week.  Yep, we are not the typical family that only gets together on holidays but we also get together whenever we can.  It is important to us.

Now I got to watch my daughter who is 29 years old get the shock of her life and shatter bit by bit when her life partner told her that she was in love with another woman after 8 years of marriage.  No one expected this at all, least of all my daughter or this other woman’s husband of 10 years.  They totally seemed like the perfect couple, never fighting, and being so full of love for one another.  It rocked my family to the core and as a parent, breaks my heart to see my daughter go through this type of horrible pain.  She is a strong woman and will get through it but anyone that has had a break up knows it won’t be an easy road.  

Now I have seen the grief process impact several of my family members on many levels as I am sure anyone can guess if they guess how close my family is.  I have seen the pain so intense that tears are not possible to be kept at bay as I see the heartbreak overwhelm the one affected at that particular moment.  The pain radiates from the person experiencing it to those around them, making it possible to see the devastation in progress, how each person there deals with it in their own way.  

The pain is a living thing, it creeps out with tentacles to penetrate a person and how strong that person is has the distinct effect on how far they will reach in, and how much damage they will do to the person it is invading at that moment.  It is hard to watch, even harder to share in the experience but I have learned from it.  I have learned from how I react to the confusion, the utter unbelief of the situation but more then anything, I have learned from how others deal with it.

 

I think as a writer, regardless of the genre they write it, any situation being it painful or happy is an opportunity to observe and understand how people work.  It is seeing past the given situation to the core, being able to internalize it and feel it I think that helps me in how to better write.  

This said it has been a tough year for me.  I have let my writing take a back burner in my life because I have been overwhelmed with life but I am now excited to look at my stories that I have started.  I am back to the “Onward and Upward!” thoughts.  I am ready to get busy.  I plan to take what I have experienced this last year and take advantage of it, writing for the pure pleasure of it and see where it takes me.  

I hope that others that might be experiencing life’s challenges take a moment to stop, look around and learn from what is going on in their lives.  Take advantage of the experiences and take the good from the bad.  Find that silver lining and don’t let the difficult things you see win.  Most important?  Find someone to smile at, say something positive too, and just listen to someone.  There are so many broken people these days that you never know when that smile, or kind word will make someone’s day, even in a small way :O)

Happy Reading!

Life Moves On….

Well hello everyone!  It has been a while since I have done a blog because as with everyone in the world, life happens, which is one of my favorite things to say when someone complains about something.  It is flat out the truth, no doubt about it.  Everyone deals with things in their own way.  For me it takes me a lot of time to process things, really for it to sink in when there is a change in my life, especially if it is a big change.   There have been a LOT of big changes in my life lately :O)

I am not someone who likes change at all and the thought of not being in control or worse yet, having someone else take control away from me is not pleasant.  The very worst thing though is dealing with things that are so far out of my control and accepting the fact that no matter what, there isn’t anything else I can do to fix a situation.  Sometimes the best way to fix something is to let it go and that is so hard for me to do.  I don’t give up easily.

This journey of self-publishing is so involved that it is hard to believe that I just put out my 14^th book!  I am working on another book that is totally different from the erotica that I have out now but getting the time to actually sit down and write it is not the easiest thing to do.

Lots of life changing things going on in my life.  Without going into detail to boor you all to death, I have a special needs child with many issues.  My job is coming to an end.  (More time for writing until I am homeless :O) 

My child has many issues but the most important thing on my mind at the moment is keeping her safe, as well as those around her safe.  She is almost 12 and has severe mental health issues that should not be impacting a child so young.  She also has cerebral palsy and is very violent, was born severely drug affected plus a huge laundry list of other issues and diagnosis.  The bruises that I have along with those who work with her are pretty amazing at times.  I have had her since she was about 14 months old and she is becoming more then even someone with our education in her issues are not able to keep her and others safe anymore.

The state I live in doesn’t offer much help.  It’s amazing how many friends leave or become suddenly unavailable when you have a child that even just someone to talk to about the newest issue would be welcome.  I don’t want validation for what my decisions have to be, but someone to listen to the latest amazing thing would be not only welcome but helpful.  Don’t have to say a dang thing, just listen to what happened now.  It is a lot to ask of someone though, there is always something that shocks me, which quite frankly is NOT easy, but it is hard for someone to understand the extent of damage that is done to this child’s brain.

Family is the same way… oh everyone would love to help if they just knew what to do.  I don’t blame them, honestly I don’t.  Living with this child and her issues for about 10 years as she progressively becomes more violent and unpredictable is hard for me and my grown children.  It is hard to watch and not know what to do, not understand what is really going on with her.  If it wasn’t for my adult daughter co-parenting her with me along with her partner, we would not have made it this far.  She is truly amazing and one of the things I am most proud of in this world. 

So at this point… I am juggling writing for my sanity, because it helps me focus, a volatile child that has voices talking to her and telling her things that I can only imagine.  She is on adult medication, hitting puberty where her issues are all magnified, and likely becoming more impossible to handle which is not even fathomable.  Not being able to work because of this child and her issues, no income coming in, losing my job, but not losing faith that it will all be ok.  It always works out.

I am going through the motions, have found comfort in not only my writing but also the people I have met along the way.  Amazing indie writers that write from their heart, from their imagination and can create worlds that it helps a great deal to escape reality when I can find a spare moment to do so.  

I know what the outcome of my situation is going to be, or rather what it will probably look like.  At this point, I would love to go somewhere, say a cave that has electricity so I can continue writing, have access to submit my books, and not speak to a soul for a good year.  Ok well maybe that wouldn’t work but it is a nice dream :O)

Life does move on… it just may take turns that you have no idea, or desire to go down.  So my updates may come in spurts and flutters but I am moving down the path, continuing to do what I can while keeping a smile on my face as much as humanly possible.  Besides, smiling in spite of conflict always makes people wonder what is wrong with you :O)

Happy Reading Everyone!

Bella Marie